Woke up after a night of tossing. Sometimes too many things try to fit through my head at once. Like singing to yourself while watching the news and trying to read. Generally nothing comes of it but a stiff jaw and dark circles under the eyes in the morning.
Today I somehow managed to lay awake with my eyes adjusting to the early light reflecting off an inch of April Snow. Holding my eyes open is the key to silencing the noisy rambling loop. Deeply breathing, slowly in, slowly out, trying to make some space for calm and reason.
If I finally get a harness on this wild horse it can take me a long way. Sometimes after a few deep breaths a good thought will rise to the top like heavy cream. Today’s creamy thought: To do something even though it is hard is noble, honorable, righteous.
I think this might have been something I was working on due to a 5 minute Ted Talk By David Brooks… the last piece of TV I watched
|David Brooks TED Talk|
“Within each of us are two selves, suggests David Brooks in this meditative short talk: the self who craves success, who builds a résumé, and the self who seeks connection, community, love - the values that make for a great Eulogy."
There is a real possibility that this tiny straightforward talk sent me into a tailspin. I went “driving” an old habit of mine when life was unfair. I would pack up some bags with books, notebooks, monies a snack… basically a giant bindle, and I would leave the life that had disappointed me. Let it think about what it had done.
Side note: I seem to think that that best way to punish someone is to leave them alone so clearly I don’t like to be left alone.
This gives me a memory of when I was a preteen and so angry at the many injustices of life. To take back control and punish my parents I would collect all evidence that I lived in the house and take it to my room (toothbrush and paste, backpack, scrunchies shoes, coats, etc.) I would close the door and vow to myself never to come out. I would come and go through the window, this went on for a while until my Dad nailed the window shut and removed the door from its hinges.
Anyway this is what I did yesterday except my husband was the lucky recipient of this particular tantrum. The 2014 version of a bindle includes:
- Macbook pro
- Cannon Rebel ti2
- C.S. Lewis The Four Loves
- Better Photo Guide to Digital Natural Photography
- A collection of Pilot extra fine Rolling pens in purple, green & black.
- A bag of strawberry twizzlers & ¼ bag of jalapeno cheese curls.
- Packed into matching herringbone wool & leather purse and laptop bag.
A person in this state doesn’t know why she is packing bags and leaving. Like the gypsies in Chocolat don’t know why they have the urge to move with the East wind. You just have what some would call “the itch”. It doesn’t itch though its more like pressure in your chest and the leaving is more like trying to run from it in the hopes that a change of scene will make it stop. Spoiler alert, it doesn’t work.
You get behind the wheel and drive aimlessly turning right or left at each intersection. Becoming increasingly lost, and the pressure is still there. You just have to get far enough away to realize there is no place like home. Then its okay to decide you’ve successfully punished your intended victim and you can safely return. (re: Dorothy in Oz.)
Back to Todays good thought: To do something even though it is hard is noble, honorable, righteous.
I’ve been feeling pretty empty for a while, as David Brooks laid out, the Self that craves success builds a resume and that is what it have done. Meanwhile starving the Self who craves connection community and love.
Because when you are working 24/7 to build a resume it is hard, noble, honorable, righteous but mostly hard, to then go out and seek connection, community and love. It means coming up with more energy when you are exhausted and there in lies the nobility. “The values that make for a great Eulogy”
Holly tireless sought to form meaningful connections with her fellow man. She spent every waking hour working to make others more comfortable. She like her father and mother before her, would jump out of her chair at the first hint of something she could do for another. She did small things with great Love following in the little way of her patron St. Therese of Lisieux.
None of the above is true… YET. But lets try shall we, lest we find ourselves back on the road to nowhere.